She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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