i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
The power of my boobs compel you
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
