i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
