wakey wakey hands off snakey
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Randomize
