Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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