My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
