Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
you win again, gameday.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
