i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize
