so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
