I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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