mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
