Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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