im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
