I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
