"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
