Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
