Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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