He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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