i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
He passed out mid-signature
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
