This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
