hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
