Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
