im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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