just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
