just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
