she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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