I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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