the condom got lost in my hair
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Randomize