Those balls look pretty dangerous.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Sorry about my life...
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
