highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
