i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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