i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Randomize
