Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
my liver is dry heaving
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
