woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
