God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
