omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
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