First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
