I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
