He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Randomize