There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
