I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
