Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Randomize
