Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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