I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Randomize
