Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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