Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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