i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
His nipple licking is glorious
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