dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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