Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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