i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Randomize
