yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
