Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Randomize
