I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
