I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
