Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
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