24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
