My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I think weed is turning my hair brown
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize