I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
