I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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