I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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